Swimming

The next words will be raw, real, distorted, and disturbing to some. I am not suicidal or experiencing suicidal ideations. I am revealing my shadow self. Most of my life I have had suicidal ideations. They swim in the back of my mind. At times the trash is so loud, I can’t hear rational thoughts. They are piercing sound waves that obliterate the whole structure of my inner ear and blast out my eardrum. Radical chaos within rages into an endless burning inferno, scorching any liquid inside. The heat feverishly runs into the back of my brain, running through the stem and dropping down my spinal cord - awaking every nerve, evaporating each axon in its path. The numbing blaze is endless and relentless without mercy or forgiveness. I cry out but no response. I cry out without help. I cry out in an empty cell of self-internment.  

Suicidal Ideations come and go like a metro on its own chaotic schedule. Maybe stopping for a designated destination. Or maybe not. These thoughts brew into a tempest of obsessional obedience to numbness. No longer can I relate to reality. I live submerged in chaos, desolation and waiting. Waiting for the stillness of dreamless sleep. Wanting the tempest to engulf all the screaming, swimming thoughts, drowning my mind in the bath of festering, deteriorating pseudo-alcohol without noticing any drunkenness. 

Reality does not penetrate the vortex of the brewing tempest. I no longer communicate with reality. I no longer keep daily human rituals - bathing, changing, eating, etc. I try to retreat to my bed and cling to dreamless sleep, hoping and pleading to not awaken. The physical world retreats from my reality. The plan is rehearsed in my mind. The plan repeats over and over. The plan takes over functions in my mind. Wondering about the methodology of my plan. The taste of metal on my lips and tongue. The smell of smoke. Is the note enough? What would be my last sight? 

These disturbing thoughts are a symptom of my illness. Some days the fight is easy. Other days the flight tightly grips and crushes my skull, piercing the grey matter of my brain. Wondering if these thoughts will ever leave or just inexhaustibly swim in the back of my mind. This is the reality of my mind and suicidal ideations. A battle within that began decades ago. A battle that exhausts me both psychologically and physically. A battle only my Savior, Jesus Christ can win!